


Is It Just Me?

by NerdyHalfling



Series: Smol Naddpod Things [4]
Category: Not Another D&D Podcast (Podcast)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, F/M, Heartbreak, Pining, Songfic, mentions of drinking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-24
Updated: 2020-07-26
Packaged: 2021-03-05 03:34:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 1,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25477750
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NerdyHalfling/pseuds/NerdyHalfling
Summary: "It's been way too long for me to find it this hardSitting alone, my fingers picking the sofa apart"Years have passed since Gemma and Hardwon went separate ways, but moving on is easier said than done. Gemma reflects over whether Hardwon is thinking about her too.Songfic to the song Is It Just Me by Emily Burns
Relationships: Gemma Bronzebeard/Hardwon Surefoot
Series: Smol Naddpod Things [4]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1826578
Comments: 7
Kudos: 10





	1. Chapter 1

_It’s been way too long for me to find it this hard_

_Sitting alone, my fingers picking the sofa apart_

Another Saturday evening. Gemma was seated on her sofa, a blanket over her shoulders. Her fingers absentmindedly found the hole on the side of the cushion she was sitting on, a trace left behind after too many evenings like this, fidgeting first with a loose thread, then later with the edges of the smallest little hole, a hole that was now roughly the size of her thumb. The fabric was just slightly rough against her fingertips, the foam cushioning inside kept getting caught on her nail, which was annoying, but not enough that she bothered to do anything with it. Of course this mindless activity couldn’t distract her from the sense of longing, it never did and yet she was slowly destroying a piece of furniture.

It was embarrassing really, how the absence of some guy was still weighing this heavy on her. Now, of course Hardwon wasn’t just any guy, he was the charming, handsome, just slightly artsy guy she’d never really had a proper chance with, but it had been years. It was time to move on, and yet her mind kept conjuring up the image of his face, bothering her with the question of whether he ever thought of her. He probably didn’t. Hardwon was more well adjusted than lingering on a girl he dated in his umphteenth foster home, but what if he wasn’t? What if friends who’d never even met her had to carry a drunk out of his mind Hardwon home as he rambled about the one that got away? She didn’t want to wish this kind of pain on him, but it was easier to bear it if he felt it too. 

There had been a party the day before. She’d been having a drink, talking to her best friend, when she became aware of the guys from her high school standing a couple of feet away. It was _his_ name that drew her attention to them. The music had faded and her heart felt like it stopped beating as she turned her head, eyes examining Rust and his two friends. There was no sign of Hardwon, of course, they were merely talking about him, and with a sharp inhale the music had returned, but the pleasant buzz from her drink had been gone, so she’d downed what was left of it. And then another. And another. 

She liked to think her name did the same to him, although she couldn’t imagine who would bring her up around him, from what she could tell from his social media, which for the record all had very open privacy settings, he didn’t keep in touch with anyone from Irondeep High. Maybe that short guy he had just started hanging out with, Beverly, knew someone with her name though, a high school friend of his own, and maybe he mentioned her sometimes, and Hardwon’s heart halted as he instinctively looked around the room, hoping to meet her eyes. Maybe Hardwon too felt like he’d been hit by a train after a sudden reminder of what had been. 

It had been years and still Gemma could picture every second as clearly as if it was happening this very moment. Wilhelm telling her he wouldn’t have her dating Hardwon. It wasn’t proper, he’d said. Her yelling and screaming. Wilhelm grounding her, refusing her to see Hardwon, and her seeing him behind her father’s back anyway, and then Hardwon’s defeated face as he told her all this effort was useless anyway, because he was being moved again. Years had passed and the cold distance between Gemma and Wilhelm hadn’t faded. She still refused to call him dad. The longing for Hardwon hadn’t faded, she still lost her breath when his face flashed up in her memory and it was as if she was sixteen again.

Abandoning the hole her fingers grasped for her phone. Not thinking about him was a lost battle anyway, so instead she looked around, as if anyone could possibly be in there, before typing his username into the search bar on Instagram. The first post that popped out was a video of a curvy girl with red hair in messy braids. She wasn’t looking at the camera, instead focusing intently on the old fiddle she was trying to play. Gemma clicked the volume symbol, and the sound of utterly terrible fiddle music belted out of her phone, joined by a familiar laughter. She muted the video again. In the description he called the girl Moonshine. This was more than painful enough, but Gemma couldn’t leave it at that. Instead she looked further, and this Moonshine figure showed up in two more instagram posts, and even in one on his Facebook timeline. He always referred to her as a friend, or just as Moonshine, but Gemma knew better than to take that as a guarantee. He could easily be with Moonshine now. She was pretty, really pretty, and Gemma could just picture the two of them cuddled up on a sofa, not too different from the one she was currently curled up on. Tears were blurring her vision now, and she furiously wiped them away, only for them to be replaced by new ones. She should want him to be happy. She loved him, and she should wish him happiness above all else, after everything he’d been through he deserved happiness. 

She preferred to think he was alone though. She knew it was cruel, but she found comfort in the idea of Hardwon dialing her number, still knowing it by heart, erasing it, and then dialing it again, never daring to press call. She’d have his dialed by now, if she hadn’t known from a similar evening a year or so ago that his old number was deactivated. Cruel or not that was the idea of Hardwon she preferred to entertain, the one who missed her too, who cried over her in the shower, ending up in fetal position on the floor with the water still pouring over him, like she did more often than she cared to admit. 

Yes, Hardwon deserved happiness, but so did she, didn’t she? And if not happy it made everything less miserable to think that she wasn’t the only fucked up one in the scenario. 

_'Cause this would be one whole lot easier_

_God, I know that's selfish but it's true_

_If underneath some calm exterior_

_You're all fucked up too_


	2. I almost do

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> I know this was a oneshot, and marked as complete, but I listened to I Almost Do and I couldn't resist writing what I imagine to be the same evening from Hardwon's point of view. 
> 
> I'm sorry.

_ I bet _

_ This time of night you're still up _

_ I bet _

_ You're tired from a long hard week _

_ I bet _

_ You're sittin' in your chair by the window _

_ Looking out at the city _

_ And I bet _

_ Sometimes you wonder 'bout me _

  
  


It was a Saturday evening and Hardwon had the apartment to himself. Moonshine and Beverly were both out at a party Hardwon didn’t feel like going to. He intended to spend the evening drawing, but instead he sat lost in thought. His sketchbook was discarded on the coffee table, open on a rough sketch of a female face that had a slight resemblance to one he hadn’t seen in years. 

Irondeep High had never felt like home, but it did have Gemma Bronzebeard, which made it better than anywhere else he’d been while in the system. She was probably up now too. They had both been night owls, and would often text each other far into the night while neither of them could sleep. Was she thinking about him? Probably not, she had probably moved on long ago, but maybe sometimes her mind wandered to the guy she had kissed in the parking lot of Burger King when she was sixteen, knowing her father would be outraged if he knew. Maybe she was looking out at the city, and maybe she wondered where he ended up after he left Irondeep? Maybe she asked himself if he was out there thinking about her? 

Not for the first time the thought of calling her crossed his mind. He had learned her number by heart when they were together and somehow it had never faded, never taken a step back to make room for other knowledge. As soon as he’d thought it he reached out for his phone. It would be so easy, just dialing her number, hitting call, and then he’d hear her voice. Maybe tonight would be the night he finally did it. There were too many risks though. She’d probably not want to talk to him, and if he called she’d know he hadn’t moved on. 

He hadn’t called her so far, not once in the past five years, and she probably thought he’d moved on, like anyone else would have. He wasn’t sure that was the way he wanted it, but the alternative frightened him. Reaching out to Gemma, no matter how much he wanted to, meant letting down the walls he had carefully built up to protect himself. It was hard on nights like this not to think it might be worth it though, when he entertained the thought of what might have been if he hadn’t had to move from Irondeep. Gemma had been one of very few good people in his life. Somehow meeting Beverly and Moonshine when they all moved into this apartment two weeks ago made him think about her more. Maybe the sheer kindness Moonshine showed, or the frankly questionable admiration Beverly already had for his older roommates made it easier to dwell on other good things. 

He liked to think Gemma sometimes missed him too. He hoped she too enjoyed looking back at the time the two of them had ditched school, hopped on a bus ten minutes out of town and smoked a pack of cigarettes Hardwon had swiped from Rust’s pocket on the benches outside a gas station. Wilhelm had been furious afterwards, but it had been an amazing day and it was absolutely worth the stern talking to Hardwon had gotten upon returning to the group home, because while sharing a bottle of coke from the gas station they had shared their first kiss. 

When he really allowed the memory room to play in his mind and closed his eyes he could almost feel her lips against him still. It had been a clumsy and awkward kiss, but it had been beautiful. The thought was enough to make him dial her number, pause briefly as he looked at the display, thinking of what he would even say to her. With his heart in his chest he pressed the green call button, and in just that moment he heard the unmistakable ring of Moonshine’s voice just down the hall, and without thinking he ended the call before the first ring, and scrambled to close his sketchbook before the door slammed open and Moonshine and Beverly came stumbling in, Bev loudly declaring that he loved beer now. They were definitely a bad influence on the boy. 

The outgoing call was interrupted fast enough that the signal never went through, and Gemma would never know just how close they got that evening, and Hardwon would spend the next week attempting to tell himself that was for the best. 

_ And I just wanna tell you _

_ It takes everything in me not to call you _

_ And I wish I could run to you _

_ And I hope you know that every time I don't _

_ I almost do _

_ I almost do _

  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading <3 I super appreciate it if you leave a comment <3


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